all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Drake has all the answers
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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