After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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