1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
