I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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