just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
