i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
