I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
