oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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