i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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