It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
