While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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