God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
