If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
