I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
