I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
