now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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