What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
