Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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