I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
