you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
