Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
