I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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