Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize