I cut my penus on the lid.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
