Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
