Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
