He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
