The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
