Well douche your snatch and let's go!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
