What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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