so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
