After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize