seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
