Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I have post one night stand depression
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