i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
