i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
