We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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