For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize