we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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