I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
