how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just want to make out with him forever
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
there is glitter all over my balls
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
