Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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