I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
