I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
