I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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