Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
