god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
