last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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