R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
