thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
