I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
