i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
