FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
