apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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