she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
