i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
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