I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
