Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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