I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
