awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
