He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
