I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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