It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
